


Arkham's Razor

by queenofcawdor



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: (?), Camp!Riddler, Crack, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, M/M, i can't believe it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 13:46:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7717189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofcawdor/pseuds/queenofcawdor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Codependency lessons.” Crane deadpanned.</p>
<p>The knockout blonde psychiatrist nodded. “You need to care about someone other than yourself.”</p>
<p>“Dr. Quinzel, love, this is absurd,” Nygma rested his chin on his hand.</p>
<p>The woman muttered something about a Ms. Red thinking it was a sound idea, before continuing. “You both are narcissists. Both of you are,” sarcasm coated every syllable here, “the most important person in the world. Get over yourselves, and out of my office.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Arkham's Razor

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry

Edward Nygma fumed as the Dark Knight, Scourge of Gotham’s criminal underbelly, the Battiest of All Men, unceremoniously began carrying him like - like - a blushing damsel! In front the child? That beast!

 

“Robin,” he pleaded, “avert your eyes from this wretched scoundrel!”

 

Robin raised an eyebrow and said nothing as the Riddler began to grow more flustered as Batman shifted his hold.

 

“Pervert! You nasty man! Taking a child with you-well, I _never_. And I’m not allowed to have kids? Ridiculous! Crazy! Baffling!” The handsome redhead cut off, before looking up at the well-defined, justice-wielding jawline of Gotham’s hero and jabbing his chest with a gloved but definitely manicured finger. “Don’t think you are off the hook with me. I wasn’t doing anything illegal! Well, no more than anyone else there.” He amended, craning his neck further to look into Batman’s skeptical gaze. The Dark Knight truly had mastered skepticism, paranoia, and snark, as the man conveyed through the white eye lenses. Amazing, really.

 

Robin coughed, causing Edward to shift targets. “Dear, are you sick? Gallivanting through a city might seem fun at your age--”

 

“It’s your stop. Shut up, dear God.”

 

“Well, I never!” Edward shoved himself off of Batman and stormed into Arkham, demanding that his room be set up immediately.

 

He ripped off his gloves and stared in awe at his new manicure. Katie Rose from the apartment down the hall and her teddy bear were having a tea party ( _unsupervised_ ) to pass time while her mother was occupied with clients. When Katie Rose had stopped by his apartment to ask for some sugar, he complimented her fingernails. Somehow, the little brat had convinced him to get _orange_ nails. Orange did not go well with green and purple!

 

He heard a sound like coughing behind him. Oh dear, had he started monologuing again? He turned and glared at the cougher. Ah, Dr. Jonathan Crane. “Hello dear,” he said, cautiously. Crane just about choked. Lovely image, that.

 

“Hello, Nygma,” Crane replied with the terseness of a stepped on cat. A pretty cat, if skinny. Not scrawny, given the bruises he’d passed out to _Joker_ when the clown was, ah, requesting some toxin last month. Powerful, with prominent bones (admittedly due to being dangerously _lean_ ) with a brain so close to Edward’s level. Maybe at it.

 

He stopped leering at Crane, though that unruffled attitude--!

 

Crane was watching him boredly now. “I’m sleeping now. Goodnight, Nygma.”

 

“Goodnight, lovie. Sleep well,” Edward winked. A faint spot of pink appeared at the corner of Crane’s cheeks. He marked it as a victory.

 

Jonathan Crane, (redacted) M.D., lay irritated in his bed. Obviously he was being punished for talking his last roommate into suicide. The nerve of Arkham staff nowadays. Back in his day, those pests would never have reached the interview stage in the job process. Ridiculous.

 

Saddling the great Scarecrow with the _Riddler_? Fear made sense as a theme for a villain, but _puzzles?_

 

This meant war. Crane started to sing softly. _“Take a key and lock him up, lock him up; take a key and tack him up, My fair Riddler.”_

 

“Darling, are you threatening me to the tune of London Bridge? How distasteful!” Nygma pouted.

 

“Shut up.” Crane had a plan. A Plot. Devious designs. He needed sleep. Step one: get rid of Riddler.

\--

“Codependency lessons.” Crane deadpanned.

 

The knockout blonde psychiatrist nodded. “You need to care about someone other than yourself.”

 

“Dr. Quinzel, love, this is absurd,” Nygma rested his chin on his hand.

 

The woman muttered something about a Ms. Red thinking it was a sound idea, before continuing. “You both are narcissists. Both of you are,” sarcasm coated every syllable here, “the _most important_ person in the world. Get over yourselves, and out of my office.”

Crane recalled the doctor as one of his interns. Dr. Harleen Quinzel. Hm. She had tried to get assigned to the Joker, but he had managed to cut that off before he was, ah, let go as head psychiatrist. She was redirected to some bioterrorist radical feminist. Perhaps he should have let the Joker sink his teeth into her.

 

His musing were interrupted as Nygma grabbed him by the waist with that surprising strength of his. Painted nails dug gently into his skin. “Codependency training, darling? Whatever did you teach your students?”

 

“What did I do to deserve this?” Crane responded instead.

 

“Scare people to death, probably. What are you complaining about? I’m a delight to be around, not to mention the fact that I am complete eye candy.” The second part, Crane noted miserably, was fair. But the first was so infuriatingly incorrect--

 

“Delight? You are horrible to be around--” Crane took a deep breath. In the distance, he could hear Fries singing _Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know_ , in a lovely baritone almost as a reminder.

 

Nygma was incensed, but Crane would come around. After all, they would be required to spend all day together, and if they did not return to the Asylum together after a failed escape, they would be -- punished. The Riddler merely brushed a suggestive kiss against Crane’s cheek and flounced off, knowing Crane would be forced to follow.


End file.
